I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.