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What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
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