He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
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Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
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Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand