Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
