You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
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I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
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Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.