In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.