In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.