Texts From Last Night · Last Night in Australia

Last Night in Australia (+61)

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You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.

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(+61): You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you. http://tfl.nu/171s

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I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.

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(+61): I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night. http://tfl.nu/wtly

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He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.

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(+61): He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour. http://tfl.nu/sn8w

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I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.

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(+61): I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub. http://tfl.nu/lq2i

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Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.

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(+61): Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with. http://tfl.nu/73vt

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I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.

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Dude, you're not even gay.

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(+61): I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that. (1+61): Dude, you're not even gay. http://tfl.nu/9cst

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She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch

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(+61): She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch http://tfl.nu/x1qz

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I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."

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(+61): I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows." http://tfl.nu/omr4

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You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.

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Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?

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(+61): You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek. (1+61): Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before? http://tfl.nu/tcy4

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I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.

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(+61): I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad. http://tfl.nu/47hi

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Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry

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(+61): Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry http://tfl.nu/2c34

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He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.

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(+61): He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it. http://tfl.nu/xk8c

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So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?

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(+61): So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma? http://tfl.nu/bhgl

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And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho

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(+61): And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho http://tfl.nu/t3gn

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I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.

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(+61): I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING. http://tfl.nu/8crd

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Last Night in Australia (+61)

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