I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.