I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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