apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
