I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
