Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.