For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.