Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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