I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
