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Last Night in Oregon (971)

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eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them

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(971): eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them http://tfl.nu/lmi8

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We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...

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(971): We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable... http://tfl.nu/8m1y

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Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.

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(971): Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin. http://tfl.nu/6hx6

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I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.

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(971): I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer. http://tfl.nu/l4im

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I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.

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(971): I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa. http://tfl.nu/0b4p

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I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.

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(971): I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again. http://tfl.nu/g2lj

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Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.

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(971): Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them. http://tfl.nu/y8vc

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one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.

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i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...

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it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.

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(971): one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull. (706): i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer... (971): it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible. http://tfl.nu/efvs

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I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.

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(971): I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger. http://tfl.nu/97wz

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the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?

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(971): the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together? http://tfl.nu/xjvt

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He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.

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(971): He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex. http://tfl.nu/3zjj

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you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?

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(971): you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything? http://tfl.nu/ldjb

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this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word

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(971): this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word http://tfl.nu/bykc

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Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously

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you are my hero

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(971): Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously (503): you are my hero http://tfl.nu/me35

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So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"

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(971): So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully" http://tfl.nu/lw3x

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Last Night in Oregon (971)

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