I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.