I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.