Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
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I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
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God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.