Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
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Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
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You're a waste of cheezeits
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong