Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.