He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
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The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.