Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.