I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
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I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
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Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles