I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.