There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.