Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then