We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat