Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer