Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow