Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops