and you fell through a lawn chair
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?