Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Who died my cat blue again?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices