I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Terrible idea I love it