You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Terrible idea I love it
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.