Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.