She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
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Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Terrible idea I love it
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
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Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....