apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
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He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
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Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol