I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.