... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
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Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
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I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.