He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!