Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
29 People Who Do Dirty Things Just To Get Their Way
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.