The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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