dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
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Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
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The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
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