he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
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Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
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Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
soo... how was my night?
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