So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
