sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
