just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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