I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
