Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
You're a waste of cheezeits
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?