did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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