Last Night in Maryland (410)

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• (410): View more from Maryland

  I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.

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• (410): View more from Maryland

  I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism

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• (410): View more from Maryland

  So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?

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• (410): View more from Maryland

  halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt

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• (410): View more from Maryland

  You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"

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• (410): View more from Maryland

  We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.

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• (410): View more from Maryland

  I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm

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• (410): View more from Maryland

  and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's

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• (410): View more from Maryland

  They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.

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• (410): View more from Maryland

  Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.

  (1-410): View more from Maryland

  Um, OK. WTF?

  (410): View more from Maryland

  The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.

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• (516): View more from New York

  Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg

  (410): View more from Maryland

  Omg suz!! take the unibrow off

  (516): View more from New York

  No! im just getting hammered instead

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• (410): View more from Maryland

  That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.

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• (410): View more from Maryland

  We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway

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• (410): View more from Maryland

  I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx

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