my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.