So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.