Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.