The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.