mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
people are starting to question the shark bite story
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!