Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!