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Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
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