He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
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Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
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Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"