im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
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Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
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As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.