all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.