You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.