I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.