I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
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I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
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I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.