Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
New York to be Host to Americaâ€™s Biggest Singles Event
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Kylie Jenner Wasnâ€™t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.