Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line