Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
sex in a hospital.. check
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school