If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him