Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
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No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
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Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter