My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...