I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.