Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.