You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.