Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step